How do we say goodbye to someone so young? We thought they would live a long life and get old, have kids and grandkids, join AARP and retire with a good pension. But they didn’t live a long life — they had an accident, they got sick, they went to war.

We are devastated, we are angry, we are numb and we don’t know what to do — we are not sure we even believe in a God who would let them die.

So where is God in all this?

Forty-two years ago, I bargained with God. The diagnosis for my older brother was a type of cancer that gave him six months to live. Just six months, no hope for more. My parents and my 14-year-old brother decided it was time to fight, to beat the odds and go for a cure, even if the cure was, at times, worse than the disease itself.

Every night when I said my prayers, and even during the day in conversations with God, I begged to take his place — just make him well. God didn’t answer my prayers.

It was a tough year and a half. My brother suffered, but he never stopped going to school. He didn’t want to be any different from the other kids.

Then it looked like he was going to make it. He graduated from high school and went off to college. But in November of his third year, it all fell apart. The cancer came back. He came home in so much pain. We said our goodbyes, and he said he wasn’t going to come home this time from the hospital but that it was OK. He was ready, and he knew he would be in peace and free of cancer.

That night I changed my prayer. I asked God to take him soon and to take away his pain.

I finally understood it wasn’t about my taking his place or anyone taking his place. It was about the gift of life God gives us all, the gift that was free. That disease happened not because God targets people, but because of the gift of free will and the imperfection of the world. It’s part of the gift we were given — the freedom to control our lives.

When my brother died three days later, it was cancer that killed him, not God.

Accidents, war, disease and bad choices kill our children, our friends and our siblings. How we say goodbye and how we choose to move on and remember and honor them is our choice. Saying goodbye and then going on with our lives honors them and gives them a place in our history and marks them as important. We honor them by living our lives to the fullest and doing and giving our best in all that we do — even when our spirits seem broken.

Time will heal our wounds. We will never forget them, but in moving forward we honor them and acknowledge how they touched our hearts. I wish with all my heart that we could live and never experience the loss of those we love. But because I believe in Christ’s gift of eternal life, I know that someday we shall all be together again. No more pain, no human mistakes, only peace in heaven with God and our loved ones who have gone before us.

Saying goodbye is so hard. It is OK to cry. It is OK to ask God “Why?” It is OK to wonder how to go on. But you will, and God will help you. My heart and the hearts of all of us who have said goodbye are with you as well.

To contact the Rev. Alice DeLaurier-O’Neil, a retired Lutheran minister, e-mail pastormom@mac.com. All religious leaders in the Tracy community are invited to write columns for Reflections on Faith.